Humble Apologies....

Last week seemed to be a very stressful time.  I was wondering when I would hit the wall and I suppose that I finally did!  Since then I've been wondering whether or not to write about the emotional stresses of living through a remodel?  To I admit that there are challenging times both in terms of physical discomfort as well as financial distress that caused me to temporarily lose my mind?  Do I let on when every day is not absolute blissful perfection?  My friends who are following the blog have all said to lay it out there.  So, why not bring some reality into the blog and say that sometimes this plain old sucks!  Since this blog is for me to reflect back on years from now when it is all finished and lovely I'd like to remember what it took to get it there!

I would like to say to those I affected (and you know who you are) that I'm sorry for my brief bout of hysteria.  The time course of events leading to the melt down are important to know to set the stage for the emotional tight rope I was walking.  Although I should, and wish that I could, apologize to Nancy at AT&T India for my most rude outburst (described later), it isn't possible unless she has somehow found my blog by accident.  Maybe it's normal to over react about things sometimes and maybe the current state of my life had something to do with it.  They say that renovating a house is a stressful time in someones life- maybe there is some truth to that! 
 
I know that I was on the edge for a few days and it was only a matter of time before I snapped.  The following is the time line before snappage.  I had spent about two weeks waiting to hear about whether or not the lab would get a new grant that my job was tied to.  In the current NIH funding climate even the most seasoned investigators are being denied funding to run their labs.  What would happen with the house project if I was suddenly unemployed?  While the news was ultimately favorable and things look OK for now it was a tense few days.

The next event was based on the book that I was listening to in the car on the drive to work.  Audio books makes the time go faster and I find myself listening to books that I would ordinarily never read.  It's like summer beach reading while driving.  While I have listened to many of the classics sometimes you just need a good mindless story or a great "who done it" before starting the work day.  In the particular book I was listening to the main character's father died of cancer in excruciating detail.  If you have never been through this ordeal with a parent (or anyone) it is life changing and you can boom be back in the moment at any time with a mere descriptive scene.  It brought back everything I went through with my mom's ultimate end from lung cancer.  The timing of the book also coincided Valentines day which would have been my parents 53rd wedding anniversary- not helpful either. I find myself missing my parents more and more as the project goes along.  I have unearthed some very special treasures lately- pictures and notes that I had saved but forgotten about. And, if that all wasn't enough my brother posted this note by my mom on his Facebook page. 

Mom had great handwriting and a quirky sense of humor!

OK, emotional issues aside- now picture yourself living in cramped quarters (see pictures below) during the most brutal winter in years, deprived of sunlight and sleep- wouldn't that send you careening over the edge of sanity?  Then you have to get up before dawn to move your car down the road before the crew arrives bright and early in all sorts of weather.  Last week the guys were working getting the roof ready to be re-shingled and they seemed to be situated in every window of the house!  Even with my makeshift curtains they seemed very close!  Getting ready for work was a real challenge for a few days with a complete lack of privacy.  Financial stress is also a part of this scenario especially owning a small retail business and no one is shopping because of the weather but the bills keep coming.  During a house project you hemorrhage money at every turn, writing checks month after month that are more than your annual income.  Are you still breathing?  I'm not....

Dining room Hell

Living room Hell

Kitchen Hell

After moving my office down to the bedroom there were Internet issues.  Poor Nancy at AT&T got the first lashing and so began the emotional unraveling.  I don't know why moving computers is so difficult or how the wires tangle themselves so quickly and unrelentlessly but they do. I have moved and successfully set up computers up many times before and I thought that if I left most of it intact I should not have a problem down the hall, plus its all color coded!  After getting it all in place I plugged it all together and into the phone jack in what I thought was the right way but all I got was a damn blinking red light where the DSL was supposed to be green.

Internet- what is worse than Hell?

Feeling a little agitated I dragged it back into the office where I knew it worked..... DSL light green.  Hum, must be the phone jack.  Dragged it back into my room since I knew it could not stay where it was- again red light.  Rats, I would have to call AT&T.  The conversation with Nancy in India started pleasant enough until she really did not get what I was saying about the phone jack problem.  She said that the phone jack had not been activated for DSL.  I suggested that she flip the switch and get it activated.  She said I would have to have a service call and have a "technician" come out to my house to activate it and I would have to pay for this courtesy.  Growing angry I told her I wasn't going to take a day off from work and pay for someone to come out to activate a plug in a room that was going to be ripped apart in weeks.  She didn't have to know that this is one of the few rooms that will probably remain mostly untouched.  As she argued her case I screamed that she should forget it and I would now be switching to Comcast as I slammed down the receiver.  Mature huh?  I told Peter of my difficulty and he suggested that I have John reroute the old wire to the new spot.  This was a perfect solution and John saved the day!!!!

The crowning blow to my fragile psyche and a quick slide to emotional jello was an e-mail from Peter late in the afternoon Monday with an updated proposal based on the amount of funding I told him we had left in order to finish the project.  The proposal was a bare bones plan and also a strategy to move some parts of the project into a later phase when more funds became available.  My heart sank and tears welled up in my eyes thinking that I had somehow misrepresented our funding situation.  It wasn't the fact that we didn't have enough money to complete the project based on the original estimate that was upsetting since I knew that from day one.  But it was the fact that I had somehow not been clear.  I know that he didn't mean to upset me (and did apologize) but at that point in this saga, unbeknownst to him, there was a lot already bubbling below the surface. Maybe he also does not know that sometimes a really good cry or many hours of good crying is cathartic and allows you to move on with a renewed vigor.  I'm OK now and ready to tackle the rest of the project no matter what the outcome of the financial hiccup ends up being. 

The meeting actually went OK and was productive. I was told that everyone lies to contractors about the amount they have.  What did I know?  I thought that showing our entire hand from the get go was the right thing to do.  There was always the chance along the way that the cottage on Nantucket would sell- but so far only one ridiculous offer. There was a new plan made to come up with the shortage of funds and also a back up plan with a shuffling of priorities and changes in materials in the event that the first falls through.  We all departed the meeting feeling much better about each other and the future of the little Tripp House.

Clapboards going on-  wait until you see the close ups!

How this eventually turns out is still not known.  We may have to put off some of the work until another time and focus our remaining resources on the addition.  I'm OK with however much we get done.  It's certainly a world better than it was!  Will anyone ever know that we used pine in our bedroom and not reclaimed old wood?  Will I go to hell (more than I am already) if we don't use the Enviroshakes- recycled product on our roof and use asphalt?  Personally, I'd rather have a new bath tub and a laundry room than a fancy pants roof.  Priorities change over time- not a bad thing but happens as reality steps in.